Over Irony & Average Statements

Heard a Rumor

Tim — Sun, 31 May 2009 15:05:31 +0000

I heard a rumor that you wear shades to dim those bright prospects. That true?

Things I Will and Will Not Do for Sex

Tim — Thu, 28 May 2009 22:23:24 +0000

Will Do: Travel 10,000 miles.
Won’t Do: Travel 10,000 miles with an expectation that I’m supposed to be good.

Tip of the Day

Tim — Tue, 26 May 2009 13:25:31 +0000

Redheads will induce physical harm if left ignored. It’s best to heed their advice while quietly muttering curses under your breath.

Daily Thanks

Tim — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 06:31:13 +0000

Today’s Daily Thanks goes to; My West African art class. Cheers to you for being the last academic hurdle of my life. Graduation smells like the not so distant.

Tip of the Day

Tim — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 06:35:44 +0000

Avoid ironing your clothes while you’re wearing them. Not only does it leave the imprint of your chest hair, it also encourages a probable Darwin Award sometime in your near future.

Inspiring Daily Correspondence

Tim — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 07:33:42 +0000

My pretzel bag: you can eat more because of all the holes.

Me: stunned silence.

Things I will and will not do for sex

Tim — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 04:59:51 +0000

Will do: lay naked on fake mink carpet while describing the difference between modernism and post-modernism.

Won’t do: honestly, not much.

Daily Thanks

Tim — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 03:18:57 +0000

Today’s Daily Thanks goes to; Bud Light. You turn my strangely aggressive streak today into calm hilarity. Cheers to you for tasting slightly like bananas.

Text Message Labor

Tim — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 04:32:15 +0000

Sister – I’m at the hospital having Caroline.

Me – amazing! You be fucking careful!

Sister – oh I’m good, just had an epidural.

Me – can you get a doggy bag of that for me?

Sister – why?

Me – you know, just for kicks.

Sister – are you drunk? (goes and has a baby)

Caroline Rose Cotton, born April 21, 2009!

Open Apology to My Three Readers

Tim — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 02:37:28 +0000

So guess what I did with my hiatus? Wrote a thesis, put up a gallery show, passed my oral exams, sleighed a dragon, ate a porcupine, solved a crisis, beat up the sun, slapped billy bob thorton, slept with no one (damn it), developed a cow friendly means to make cheese (it involves using goats), discovered Geep, talked to Krys 397 times, developed a case of the unemployments, punked out Girl, banned red staplers for fear of fire, removed a hang nail, attempted and failed a hoax, told a story about vampire bats, ate 400 bean burritos with no onions.

To make up for my absence, I will be posting everyday this week. I will woo you with attempts at K’naan-esque lyrics and subtle melodies reminiscent of Bill Withers. I may or may not try to seduce you. It’s been awhile folks.